ranting with resignation

My deplorable life is quite a sight.

I figured out that i have something that i need to face, and need to face NOW, other wise i'd be this diostracted for my entire life. That something is living countries away from me, and not responding to any means i have made to try to talk to him.

My mood swings are fast catching up with me. At times i feel bad, crying from the pain that seems to stem out from nowhere. Other times i just laugh it off, thinking, what the heck. These days i try to block it out of my consciousness, almost drowning myself in work.

It doesn't help that i still constantly think of you.

My friend was telling me last night that i am stupid for thinking and even trying to believe that you would actually talk to me. I sometimes even question my sanity for actually believing things are gonna be all right. After all, we haven't talked in ages and all attempts of communication from my part was never reciprocated.

You know what's funny? Even after all that, my feelings for you haven't changed. How weird, noh? You'd think by now i'd be pissed enough to just walk away and try not to patch things up, not even attempt to rebuild a friendship that was once great. I did that once, with another guy. He hurt me real bad and i vowed i wouldn't be in this spot again.

But here I am. Again.

Foolish foolish me.

For now i guess i'll just continue drowning. After all, it's a lot better than trying to understand why i still love you.